FIRST BLOG: NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT LOVE ❤️

I USED TO THINK I WOULD NEVER FALL IN LOVE...

With all the heartaches, heartbreaks, ice cream, and words exchanged, I thought I would finally experience falling in love. But even with the many exes, flings, and possibly hook-ups, nothing came close to the feeling. I think a part of me thought it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe, I wasn't destined to get married and bear my own child.

Crush after crush, boyfriend after boyfriend, I still look for love—even in the smallest and absurd spaces. I tried online dating, face-to-face dating, flirting, crushing hard on someone... but in the end, they were all a dead end. As a woman, it was hard to find a decent man who wasn't thinking about sex, who loved my every being and wanted to know about me, who took care of me and wouldn't bother asking me for money because he had no financial problems! One way or another, I knew men weren't interested in dating a woman like me who: (1) looked young enough to be in elementary, (2) trapped in a lifestyle that didn't allow me to go out whenever I liked [my parents were clear that as long as I studied and had no stable job, I could not date], and (3) probably because I was boring enough. I didn't have anything interesting to offer them. No humor, no money, no appealing or attractive feature that would bring them to me.

Dating is out of the question. But every now and then, whenever I see a kid on the street or whenever I see with my younger cousins, I remember my yearning of wanting to be a mother someday and sharing that moment of having children with a future husband. Of course, this meant I needed to get married and find a boyfriend [first]. But how? It was impossible! No guy wanted me. I knew that well enough and know now that dating was, at this point, useless. It only proved no man would be good for me. They'd only hurt my feelings and leave.

Long ago, I used to have this ideal type. He had to have long hair, wore glasses, had a sporty and musical side, especially funny and smart, tall [at least six feet tall], a nerd [passionately talking about what he liked or didn't like], and lastly... a kind, patient human being. I'd love it if he didn't tolerate bad behavior. Being a Born Again Christian is a plus [which, by the way, isn't a religion but a relationship with Christ]. That would have been my ideal man. Just like an anime guy! Perfect! And fictional. *cries*

Now? As long as he had a stable job and had a good heart, that was enough for me. The rest didn't matter anymore. They would be a bonus! Because honestly, I was getting desperate! In a few years, I'd be 27, then I'd be 30, then 40, and soon... a senior citizen who remained single most of her life—an old maid! It's scary and pretty sad. Why were men so evil? Why would they rid me of this chance to experience happiness? Why did everything have to be about sex and spontaneous, expensive dates? Why couldn't it be about knowing someone first and then meeting them for the first time? Like in the old days?

Eh, people have their own preferences and dreams of how to fall in love. Mine was also different. But... impossible. I couldn't find a guy no matter how low I recently set my standards.

Other girls are lucky. They meet a decent guy at a church, meet the love of their lives at a park or a bar, or wherever they may go. Like in the movies... I'm jealous. But that's okay. I'm not mad. Actually, it's good for them. They finally found what people have been searching for their whole lives... true love.

Do I still think I'll never fall in love? HA! No. I don't think so. I turned myself into a pessimistic being who scoffs at love when really, I dream of it. Keeping myself away from wanting to have it only drew me to it. It'll always be a struggle for me. But for now, I don't want any part of it. I don't want the pain anymore!

But for the girls who got it? Treasure it. Love it. And don't throw it away. If he promises to change and actually does? That's a real man. But if he doesn't and keeps doing it? He's a boy. You don't need boys. You need men. I don't like girls who throw guys away because of one mistake. [Unless, of course, the red flags were all there. By all means, dump him!]

I'll find my true love someday. Not now. But soon. I know I will.

Until then, see you in my next blog. Peace out, girlies! (And men.)