SECOND BLOG: NOT EVERYONE WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY 💔

 I USED TO THINK THAT I WILL BE HAPPY...

The truth is... I don't think I ever will be.

I live with my parents. Turning 23, a lot of people from Western households might think that it's not normal. But it is. And as a person who still lives with their family, I understand now why people seek independence.

Being constantly let down because you are just a child who doesn't know any better, a parent will always use the excuse: "You're my son/daughter. Of course, I just want what's best for you. Who do you think will this benefit me? No! It's you!" However, that's not a good enough excuse anymore. And while I want to be a good daughter, I can't help feeling I am no longer my own person. In fact, there are times that I realize I have learned to depend on my mother than seek solutions on how to do things myself. In simple terms, I wasn't capable of making my own decisions. I couldn't live without the instruction of my mother. I couldn't be a self-developed adult on my own. I could no longer live a normal life.

Is this my mother's fault? Did she do this to me?

Short answer? I think it was both of us. Although she openly expressed her feelings of not wanting to let me go, I think a part of her didn't want to at all whereas I learned to lean on her despite telling her that I wanted to live on my own. Because we can't help it, someone needed to intervene. And as much as I tried to seek help, my professors made it worse, my guidance counselor didn't do any better, and my friends couldn't guide me because they had the same problems as well! Seeking comfort from men also did no good! At that point, I made up my mind... no one could save me.

Long answer, however, I think it began with the unresolved issues my mother had with hers. Growing up, she always yearned for the love of my grandmother. Yet as a stern woman and strict mother herself, she never gave it. My mother, however, was too positive for her own good. And obedient too. She believed that my grandmother loved her and just never let it show! Years later, my grandmother never seemed to show her that love and instead showed all the love she never had for my mother to us, her grandchildren. Even until her death, my grandmother never gave my mother the love she deserved. And I think my mother expected us to have the same relationship - that I would grow up knowing she loved me even though she never really showed it by the way she controlled my every action. But the way I saw it, I felt sad for my mom.

Even her younger brothers followed in their mother's footsteps. They were both harsh in the way they raised their children as well. And it was a generational cycle that might never seem to end. After all, it seemed as if my mother and her brothers were even proud of it! They loved how obedient it made me seem. In reality of course, it only made me drift to the wrong side. I became grumpy, impatient, in other ways, evil. And I hated it. I hated the way it changed me.

I remember begging my mother to change so that I too could change. She would always agree after we fought, but she never did. The hypocrisy, I know! She was used to this life. I was used to this life! And so, we're still here. Never happy. Even if I gave in. I knew I'd never be happy as long as she controlled my every decision. I don't even remember how to decide anymore. It only made me indecisive. And shy. And scared.

But will I ever be happy?

Maybe, in 10 - 15 years? But for now, I don't see myself being happy. In fact, with all the people who recently let me down - my family, my friends, my exes - I don't think being happy is possible. In fact, I think it's a luxury that only a few people in the world get. As long as you're deemed helpless, talentless, useless, you can never be happy. It's a fact. And once you accept that, it might make you less miserable the first few years. Might.

I'd go on to say, not everyone will make you happy. And it's true! Only the lucky ones are. And I'm jealous. They get to be free and thankful without being bitter. Call me a pessimistic, but really, I'm more optimistic than most people think. And sure, maybe one day, I'll be happier and find the love I deserve... the freedom I deserve.

What about you? What's stopping you from being happy?

Until then, see you in my next blog, girlies! (And men.)